Things get better eventually (temporarily?) + Some advice that might make you more motivated to study

My post contentThe habit of writing everyday did have an impact on me and I am starting to notice a little bit of it. First of all, I noticed that I started speaking better, the occasional gramatically slip-ups in daily conversation does not happen a lot, I can speak fluidly when expressing my thoughts in daily conversation. I no longer hestitate before I start speaking because my brain just loads from the lack of proper newspaper consumption and writing practice. I also feel like it has impacted my mental health for the better, with like an avenue to express yourself freely without your identity being known, you're just able to let go of the mental burden of all your pent-up emotional thoughts, i think its healthy that you let all of these negative feelings out and that you just have a way to express yourself in aan environment where freedom of expression is limited. I intend to conitnue writing and posting blogs like this for the forseeable future to you know sort of find my writer's voice and get myself more in tune with writing.

Besides the point, i was reminded of this adage this week : " Your friends are who you are" You surround yourself with people that you want to become, hence you become like them. I do believe this to a certain extent, your friends do have an imperceptible influence on you, but ultimately it is up to you to control your fate and whether to succumb to group think or walk the less walked path. It will take some effort though. I say this because I have a table-partner who is a scholar from Malaysia. He's one of the most hardworking individuals I have ever come across in my education journey, and his habits are a testament of his hardwork and results. His notes are robotically clean, written diagrams are drawn with perfect straight lines and he REALLY takes pride in what he does. He also takes down his answers and notesin an A4 lined jotter book, unlike doing it on a foolscap paper where it can easily get discarded and lost in the bag. This is just so freaking inspiring you know, it shows how much he takes pride in his work, and serves as a form of motivation for doing his homework, and just studying in general. Because if you take pride in your work, you sort of build a deep connection with your work and you think of it as like your own "art" almost ; you give it your all when you do this stuff. So I went to buy files and jotter booklets this weekend, in an attempt to you know emulate his scholarly image. And immediately I do notice a difference, I sort of like instictively developed this caring for my work, straightening out the notes and aligning it into a nicely packed stack of sheets. Writing down my workings in a nice column with straight lines, compared to the wobbly lines I would definitely have done if it weren't for the jotter book. It just organises everything so well and allows you to just find whatever you are looking for very easily. It will change your attitude towards doing you work and will make you put more effort into your work, increasing the quality of your homework and answers. In summary, to you know introduce a bit of "life" or "spice" into your study routine, start buying items which allow you to organise your notes neatly, buy stuff that will arrange your work for you. It really helps you I swear, and it could even make you want to study even more.

The other thing is my emotional well-being. If you don't know I experienced one of the worst socially traumatising (okay this is exaggeration atp) episodes in school where I was basically or rather I felt alienated and excluded. I felt like nobody wanted me and that there was something really really wrong with me. But you know my family really made me better after school. On friday we just went out for dinner together as a family and talked to each other, it was nice you know because I felt finally accepted and wanted after an entire day of receiving signals of the opposite message. Like I felt like I was in charge you know, in the sense that I could do or say whatever I felt like saying. And on the weekends, we spent it fruitfully and happily as a family, i got to study in the library with my dad and eat good food together, it was nice, and i didn't feel any feelings of inadequacies so it was a stark contrast tos school. I think at this point in time, my biggest obstacle is just the social environment and my own overblown thoughts, it's not even about the academic workload or rigour. I honestly think I can handle that but I don't know I someitmes think it really is me that is the problem and not other people. Cus why should I give a fuck about what others think of me and so on, I am my own person and I do what the fuck I want. Yeah but if you experience shitty stuff, things will take a turn for the better and you just gotta believe in it.

One thing I really hate about some people in this school is their snobbishness, I can sense when people are like that. And I absolutely hate it when it manifests in their own actions - I like to call them social subtle microaggressions. There is this one guy in my school that I absolutely despise, but I don't display this outwardly, instead I ignore him. Or rather 2 culprits of this behaviour. There is one guy who just is outright arrogant, also a sheep who just jumps on whatever dick he sees fit or the bandwagon like what they would say. Everytime when the class sits together in a group to eat, he would always ALWAYS stand up and won't sit down until all his "goonies" are seated, its like he does not want to be seen associating with other people he sees "socially inferior" like the rather quiet type of student or the introverted shy one. He just is so pathetic and I hate people like him, he won't even sit next to you because he just thinks he is just too good too superior and doesn't want to damage his imagined "reputation"/"image" he has in the school. Fuck this guy. Honestly the biggest snobbish motherfucker out there. I think I didn't express it clearly, he does not want to be seen sitting with the "losers" in school because he does not want to be a "loser" for sitting next to them. It's like he doesn't even recognise you as a student, just some retarded fuck. Okay maybe this is a bit overdrawn. I just assume he is that kind of person who is snobbish and tries to act cool when he obviously isn't. Like I don't like people who try to act like someone else especially when they try to act all popular and cool when they obviously are not. And there is this kind of air of arrogance that they have and it literally shows in how they act. The other guy is just I don't know I guess less confident but he's also a real snob, always sucking up to the popular kids or rather the more social ones. From what I've observed, he just is honestly I don't know. I think I really see the error in my thinking and I think I have more reflection to do, all these stem from very minor easily mistaken details. Maybe its just because they have like a more like closer connections with their friends instead of purely social status or anything. Yeah, probably that.

Honestly, I don't know what to make of what I'm thinking. I'm just gonna eat alone during recess, just simply not succumb to any kind of social pressure and just be myself. be authentic and be real, live in the present and not overthink cus life I think, putting it very objectively is pretty relaxing right now.

Side note: I just want to add on or share with you guys (prob no one but me) that uh between just temporary short moments of awkwardness or discomfort and regret. ALwAYS choose the moments of discomfort, because it is temporary but regret lasts A VERY LONG time. So if there's something that scares you socially but you know that if you don't act on your desires, your feelings, you will waste a lot of the time regretting not having done it or just overthinking it -- you fall into the trap of the feedback loop from hell. So you know pick your poison, and make the right decision that will make you feel good and won't regret.