Regret but still some room for optimism

Today, we spent the day at home 'learning' as part of the Home Based Learning integrated into Singapore's school curriculum. I honestly love these days as I you know get to sleep late or watch a movie the night before. Yesterday, me and my dad went downtown to watch the R21 movie called The Bone Temple, a sequel for the 28 years later movie. The movie features a boy surviving in world 28 years after a zombie breakout, which collapsed the civilisation on earth, turning it into a post-apocalyptic wasteland. With only a few groups scraping by each day while outnumbered by the rest of the billions of population as zombies. But this bleak outlook takes a turn when Dr. Kelson, a doctor trying to preserve his sanity, finds a 'cure' for this infection. I mean the movie follows a very messy string of a plot, but delivers it message well and has some indelible epic scenes you can only fully experience in a cinema. IT was a good experience but I don't know life likes to play with humans by subjecting them to a kind of bathos. Today my day was shitty, I did nothing but masturbate 3 times and eat junk food. I feel shitty as fuck. And despite doing absolutely nothing, I just feel overwhelmed to the point where I can't even do my homework or just focus. I just don't want to, I am literally procrastinating as I write this blog. I feel pathetic I feel worthless and I feel suicidal. (not literally)

Tomorrow, I will be getting to leave school early because FINALLY I received a message from the hospital, with my appointment in the afternoon. Finally I can get to the bottom of what has been causing my injuries, I just really want to break this vicious cycle of injuries, so that I would not have to suffer from any more setbacks and I can really get into the groove of bodybuilding, seeing progress every session and feeling the passion BURN INSIDE ME while i pump fucking iron like I'm Arnold Swarzcheneggar in his prime.

Also, I'm looking forward to seeing new fishes in my school, new students will be matriculated by the orientation event happening tomorrow and lasting until next week. I just get to you know sadistically indulge by observing their anxious expression as they walk into the school, i just you know wanna see people experiencing the same thing I did last year. It will be a good experience, but will also be met with some kind of conflict.

I might have to lock in real soon, or immediately, I genuinely don't know why I'm wasting precious time like this when an important life-determining exam like A-levels is looming over me. Fuck I'm so retarded, but I'm reminded that this is a marathon not a race. So I don't want to burn out early in the year but at the same time I can't afford slacking like this like literally I feel like my days are SO UNPRODUCTIVE, I need QUALITY STUDY SESSIONS not fucking sessions where I just fucking jerk off and get a mental brain fog while studying, nothing gets absorbed into my brain and I feel like a fucking retard by the end of it with my mind still thinking about Mia Khalifa. FUck im patehtic , i should just stop procrastinating by being on this blog and just fucking do it. I should actually start changing my environment and start doing all these behaviour hacks, start building these habits by changing my environment and be the designer of my life rather than relying on sheer willpower and unrealistic discipline to pull my ass through all these. I will be thinking and today will be the LAST day I will be doing all kinds of things. I feel like the first few seconds of your waking moments determine the course of your day, like if you decide to jerk off after you wake up, you're doomed to have an unproductive day. But if you decide to wake up early, shower and do your facial routine, hit the gym real quick and go to the library immediately without slouching at home and procrastinating, you are gonna have a fucking awesome day my guy. I should start desigining my environment so that it makes it easy for me to study and be productive while also making it hard for me to beat and just slack off. I should really really lock the fuck in. okay anyways thats it for today, peace the fuck out motherfuckers.