My Life so far at the beginning of 2026

Life in general feels pretty shit now. My motivation for living life is at an all time low, because of multiple factors. To say it briefly, I'm injured, and if you don't know I love the gym. The gym is my life, it is what i look forward to doing everyday after a socially and academically draining day. (ironic of me syaing this even though i don't interact a lot in school, especially with girls -- they scare me) I might have developed tendonitis in my left arm, and in my knee and shoulder-pec junction. Every gym session is just a tax on my joint cartillage, just letting it peel away as i move the dumbells up and down. So I've decided to stop procrastinating on my visit to the doctor and actually get it checked for real this time. The doctor at the polyclinic referred me to another hospital in Yishun under the Sports & Medicine department. To be honest, I'm a bit sceptical about whether it really meets my needs, because what I'm looking for is a solution to the root cause of my problems, not the symptoms. My joint pain could be a consequence of my existing scoliosis condition as well as my internet-imitated form ill-suited to my asymmetrical body. I think my scoliosis has contributed to a lot of my muscular assymetries, with muscle groups having a different look to it, therefore under load it stretches and contract differently, leading to like a muscle counterpart stretching more than the other one, and unevenly distributing the load across muscles that are supposed to work in tandem. The culmination of all these factors is my temporary but non-terminal retirement from the gym. I really hope that this hospital's physical therapist is rather well-versed in the weightlifting literature, and deeply understands the biomechanics of crucial gym movements like the bench press, squat and so on. Because I feel like a normal sport physiotherapy would not suffice to help me rehabilitate from this injury in every aspect. I want to be 'cured' for the rest of my gym journye, so that I can return with a mind that understands the best form for my unique body, and never repeat the mistakes which led me to my injury. Another thing is just the depressing reality of social life for a person like me suffering from social neurosis, I feel like I overthink too much in social situations, which lead me to premeditate the response and question in my mind, but I overanalyse and end up holding back my statement. I feel like I just need to do it and not give a fuck. I'm giving too many fucks, I keep having this superior-inferior dynamic notion repeating in my mind, where I unconsciously identify if the person is socially superior to me (reputation, leadership role, social behaviour in general, partipation in class, and just general charisma and confidence) like I keep tabs of this when I talk to people and when I observe them. It is just so toxic and unhealthy because it just destroys my confidence and I view myself as just simply worthless, useless and just completely out of their league that I don't feel like I deserve to be sitting down in the same table as them, eating with them and just having a simple easy conversation. I feel like a different more lowly kind of breed, this inferiority complex which spillsover to how I behave socially in situations. I just hate this and I am trying to overcome this problem everyday, at this point you could even say that I'm facing my traumas head on. It seems like an overstatement but I really do have some trauma associated with social group-related converstaion or activities. The pattern goes like this: I end up in a group conversation, I get nervous and I get anxious (Performance-anxiety is what I like to call it, and then I overthink and I overanlyse about what I'm going to say, I observe what other people are saying and I premeditate my answers, I wait for others to stop talking so that I can get the chance to say my answer, it doesn't happen, i continue waiting... and when the moment finally comes, and its time for me to say my answer, I hesitate and I fall back into my thoughts: " What if this answer is not good enough, what if I articulate it poorly and sound like a complete fool or retarded, or socially inept or inexperienced, or awkward" I hold back from saying it out loud and I just fall back into my thoughts, because of this I get upset about not contributing to the social conversation ( btw this conversation could literally be about anything, from just gossip to future upcoming events that everybody is all looking forward to." I end up feeling guilty and I try to think of an answer, of something to say to contribute while listening to the conversation. I think of an answer but I never say it because I just couldn't muster the "COURAGE" to do so. This feedback loop just repeats itself, and it no longer becomes a conversation but a torment of reminders of my social inadequacy and my insecurities, its like a reinforcement of how much of a fucking wallflower a fucking incel I am and I just hate this feeling), I don't say anything for the rest of the conversation because I get absorbed in this feedback loop from hell (as what Mark Manson said in his book " The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck" . When the conversation ends, I just leave feeling like i lost all my dignity for myself and by others. And let me remind that this happens EVERYTIME i sit on the recess table, I want to sit alone honestly, but I HATE getting looks or just the fear of being judged by other people as a loner, a friendless nobody... Soemtimes, I think to myself, would it be better if I went to study in a school where I there was no one, just me, an empty school with teachers, and I would take lessons alone, have my recess alone, train alone, eat alone, just be alone in the hall. I mean certainly this isn't like a normal social disorder or like a problem that anyone faces, I think what I face could be pretty unique or it could fall under the category of severe social anxiety. But you know, soemitmes there are moments where I just get socially stimulated to the point where I just ignore all these feelings of insecurity and anxiety, I just say what I want without caring, its like these fleeting extroverted moments of freedom, in a financial context it would be the equivalent of escaping the rat race or achieving financial freedom but just for a day or something because when I wake up this "shield" effect just wears off and I become the same anxious person I was from before. I think that in moments like this, hope becomes very important, I want to persevere, just face my problems head on, and just be patient with my recovery journey. I mean at the end of the day bodybuilding is a marathon, I never really understood what this statement meant at the very beginning of my lifting journey. A marathon? I thought that was the polar opposite to the sport of bodybuilding, because all I cared was looking jacked in the fastest way possible, I craved instant gratification, I wanted to see my muscles POP in the span of a few weeks. But this saying is analagous to the physical adaptation our bodies go through when put under training, when we wdo weightlifting, we inflict micro-tears onto our muscle tissue, it then signals to our body that recovery takes place, and only after a course of a few weeks of consitent training, the adaptation reaches a level wehre growth starts to happen and recovery is automatic, growth does not happen after the session, it occurs after a good night of sleep, and a proper diet in the day. I mean bodybuilding really is a marathon, like these kinds of setbacks are well minimal or 'insignificant' in the long run, the process is very slow, and the work has to be consistent. Although I feel like i've hit a low point in my life, I do have hope that things will get better. Mike Tyson said in one of his interviews, it goes something like this, " You have to hit rock bottom. That's the only way things will get better, and meaningful. The struggle back to the top is beautiful." And I hope. This blog has been fun to write. Jim signing out.