Life does get better in ways you dont expect

If you were to ask me what would have to happen in order for me to feel better, I would say turn me into someone that does not give a single fuck, I want to be that confident guy. But right now, I think I'm really happy with where I am but I still want more. I have 2 really good friends whom I learnt a lot about vulnerability through our sharing sessions, and honestly it's good enough. I also embarked on this NoFap journey 8 days ago, and I'm going strong, I do get those urges once in a while but it's under control. I have so far noticed 2 things: The first being my productivity levels. Pornography really took up a lot of my time and basically wasted the whole day for me. What I mean is that it's the single bad decision that will turn a "good" day into a "bad" day, because I remmeber coming back from school with the pre-fap mental state that I was in, all I wanted was to come home and shower and then go to bed and fap and nap afterwards. Wake up in the evening, eat and scroll my guilt away until it was late at night. But I would still feel restless then I would do my homework and then fap again before going back to bed. That was the routine assuming that I was already horny in school. Without this addiction, I have been going to the library almost everyday being more productive than I was though my time spent was not 100% studying all the time, I would still doze off, slack off and just daydream. But at least I spent time not doing something bad. The other thing that I noticed was my viewpoint on women, I just feel like I understand them more now, even though I still have 0 interactions so far, but I don't objectify them the way I used to. They felt more human, there is like this desire to really form a pure connection with them, get to know them better and I feel like women are more emotionally mature, like they can speak about their feelings and aren't as apathetic as most of the male students I know. I feel like I have the potential and ability to talk to women, it's just the first step, that is super intimidating to me. Like how do you even start? Do you just go up to them and say hi out of the blue? Wouldn't that be super unnatural? They would definitely think that you have an ulterior motive, because for every school day last year continuing into this year, you didn't once interact with them and only now you want to get to know them better. But at the same time, in the short-run does it really matter? Because if you do get to know them, needless to say, it will be awkward at the start but as time goes onk, you guys will get to know each other better, they will understand your motive for approaching them and then it would not be unnatural anymore because the reason for why I want to befriend girls is to really engage in deep meaningful conversations as cliche as it sounds, and I also think subsconsciously I am romantically lonely, I need a girl to fill that void in my heart, but that is again very transactional, and utalitarian reason for getting a girlfriend. But that's the whole point isn't it, if you wanted a girlfriend, it would be for you find a life-partner that would help you and love you unconditionally. So maybe my reason isn't too bad. My biggest fear is that it just doesn't work out, it's just the failure and the embarrassment that comes with it. Like imagine, you go up to the person, and you say hi and make small talk, what if she is not interested? Her own girlie friends are enough for her, and at this point in their life there is no need for any male figure to be present just to maybe potentially break their hearts. So yeah. I really hope that God will provide me with a good condition to start, even though I know that the perfect condition is starting. And my social anxiety is getting better, I feel more confident in myself partly due to friends and just consistent exposure. I think this is really true, that to really get better at something like talking to girls, public speaking or anything that requires a lot of courage, it's exposure that gets you to where you want to be. Exposure, exposure, exposure. It's nice to reflect on this and I'm happy that I have gone this far for my NoFap journey, my longest streak out of the 6 years has been probably 27 days. My goal is this, I will not succumb to the urge, because porn destroys you, and for the rest of my life I will continue to abstain from self-pleasure, the only sexual gratification I will permit myself to have is real authentic genuine pleasure with another human being. No more artificial dopamine or unhealthy coping mechanisms because it actually has a worsening effect.

On the flip side, apart from my addiction, I do also struggle with just general loneliness, or rather LEVELS of loneliness(I've got no friends and I lost the ability to do what I loved : gymming). Sometimes, it feels like I don't have a pillar of support to fall on, my parents, they love me but not in a way I feel is right, but in their own ways. This comes with many difficulties, because first of all, I just feel like I cannot be vulnerable with them, because of how closed off they are and also because they don't reciprocate and advocate for vulnerability in the family. Second of all, school and just life makes me feel very lonely. There is a difference between being lonely and being alone. Being alone is just choosing to be by yourself, enjoying the me-time that you get in solitude. Being lonely, is a different thing, it's feeling like you don't belong when you are surrounded by people, in the technical sense: yeah, you're not lonely, but mentally and emotionally sense yeah it's abject solitude. It's a miserable feeling, when everyone around you is like so good together but you're in an island of your own, closed off to the cold hearts of others. How do you cope with this? Firstly, just immersing yourself in the class discussion, just putting all of your attention into learning and participating in class, that way you get like a sense of accomplishment and that "feel-good" sensation everytime you answer a question. Second of all, just finding something to really occupy your mind when you want to relax, well sort of. For me it's finding a passion, a new hobby, and that's film criticism. I have always enjoyed good movies, so I wanted to deepen my interest my taking it to the next level. Right now I watch at least a movie every 2 days, complemented by a book that I am reading now called: How to read a film by James Monaco. That's that I will continue sharing about my passion in the next blog, but for now peace.